Those Who Judge

So, I have had a hard time coming back to the blog. It was because of judgers. I myself am one that judges, but I judge people's crap hair that I know I can fix.

After my last post my family so wonderfully each called me out on cussing in my blog. For the record, count them, there are 2, possibly 3. They should be more concerned of my overuse of commas. No, God will not send me to Hell because of a few cuss words, otherwise there is one apostle that I know won't be going to Heaven and I am pretty sure that is not how it works. (also, have I heard all of those people cuss? Of course I have) This is for them.

Come on. Let's focus on the real problems in life; like when do you really use a semicolon and who came up with that name?

There are certain things I would love to blog about right now, but I can't because my Mom reads this now. Crap. Hi Mom. It's like that one time my Mom found Facebook. Did I deny her as a friend, of course I did. Again, hi Mom.

What I can say is that God works in very mysterious ways. I have had loads of crap happen to me in life and I always get the feeling that God kind of gets a kick out of it, just like I get a kick out of torturing my Future Professionals. Well loads of non-crap things have happened in succession. Which makes me wonder what He has up his sleeve. These types of things don't happen very much, and by not very much I mean never. I will take them as I can though!

On to the next. I am officially going crazy! It is so much fun to go crazy though. I feel it gives me an opportunity to have great adventures. The other day I made some amazing Soft Gingersnaps....mmmm.... I decided that I needed to drink a glass of milk, so I did. It was great too. I had a couple of cookies and I ran out of milk. Now I swore that I had a little bit left. So I went to the fridge and my milk was gone. My puppies do not have opposable thumbs so as much as I suspected them, rationality had me thinking otherwise. I was baffled. No milk. I searched my entire house (really it isn't that impressive, my home is only 650 square feet). Still, no milk. So I gave up. Screw the milk. I went on with my oh so wonderful life. The next night I got up the energy to face my arch nemesis, the dishes. As I was putting away my glass, I opened the cupboard and there, all bulging and sour, was my milk. Crazy is fun.

Here is the recipe for those amazing cookies so that you too can drive yourself to insanity.

Soft Gingersnaps (from Emily)

1 1/2 Cups Softened Butter (no substituting)
2 Cups Sugar
2 Eggs
1/2 Cup Molasses
4 1/2 Cups Flour
3 teaspoons Baking Soda
2 teaspoons Ground Cinnamon
1 teaspoon Ground Ginger
1 teaspoon Ground Cloves
1/2 teaspoon Salt
1/2 teaspoon Ground Nutmeg

Cream butter and sugar together. Add eggs, one at a time, beat very well after each egg. Beat in molasses. Combine flour, baking soda, salt and spices in separate bowl. Gradually add to creamed mixture. Refrigerate for 1 hour.

Roll into 1" balls and roll in sugar. Place 2" apart on un-greased baking sheets (I prefer to use parchment paper, that stuff is amazing!). Bake at 350 for 8-12 min. or until puffy and lightly browned. Cool for 1 min. before removing to wire racks.

You can also make these into gingerbread men and play Run For Your Life Candyman. Best. Game. Ever.

Enjoy. Suck it.

Hope, overrated.

Just saw an amazing movie with my good friend Emily. Crazy, Stupid Love. Steve Carell just really amazes me. Ryan Gosling on the other hand, is a pure gift from God. Seriously, my testimony grows because there are men as hot as him. Mmmm.

So Emily is probably the best person in the world to go see a comedy with. There is absolutely no holding back the laughter and she has the loudest, most infectious laugh. Everything becomes like 20 times more funny. Here are some amazing quotes in this movie.

Movies like this give me a little hope about love. This movie is all about soul mates though and I really don't believe in soul mates. But, now I kind of want one. Blast you movie makers! You make my life seem so mundane. Before the movie we were talking about our highlights of the day. Emily's was getting her shopping done. Mine was getting my recycling out. Awesome, right? Who doesn't want that?

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over with the hope that you will get different results. I am insane. Strangely I am totally okay with this. Love will come. Maybe from the internet, maybe not. I will find someone who will put up with my craziness, or I'll find someone that I'm obsessed with and lock him in a bathroom, brainwash him until he falls in love with me. Does anyone know where Ryan Gosling lives? I'd take Taye Diggs. Or any type of chocolate for that matter.

Are there soul mates, no. Are there certain people that you connect with on an amazing level, yeah. Do things always work out between them, no. (hence the reason I am not married or in a significant relationship) But, there will always be more than one if you allow it. 

Enough of that, people who fall in love are usually assholes. That's okay, they can just be that way.

So my brother is starting this weight loss deal. He is kind of struggling with amazing smoothies, so this is for him. I got this from my amazing trainer Jill.

1. Take a banana and peel it.
2. Take an avocado and peel and pit it.
3. Put in a blender with a cup of milk
4. Add a little bit of sugar (like 1tsp.-1Tbsp.)
5. Blend it.
6. Enjoy.

I know, I know. It sounds really funny and not at all tasty, but it really is amazing and really helps with sugar cravings.

Have a great night.
Suck it.

Just Shoot Me

This may sound a little depressing, but I can assure you, I am of sound (ish) mind.

So, about 10 years ago I started some kind of weight loss extravaganza. Not the first. I had just passed 250  pounds and I was depressed. While talking to my little sister Becki, I told her that if ever I gained enough weight to pass the 300 pound mark that she has my permission to please shoot me.  Well shit. (sorry Becki, she hates when I swear) Today just happened to be that day. Becki if you would like to, you had my permission 10 years ago. I feel it should be done with something that looks fancy, like this.

Weight loss has been such a pain in my butt. Literally and figuratively. Last year about this time I had just hit a very hard plateau from loosing almost 40 pounds. I was at my thinnest in about 8 years. I felt good. Then this plateau hit very hard, so after 3 months of working out 45-90 minutes a day and eating right and not loosing one pound I was done trying that hard. I maintained my weight for a long time, then I got depressed. Blast that wretched bain on my existence.

It got bad, so I got on happy pills. However, these happy pills make you gain weight and before I knew it all my hard work was back on my ass. I saw this as more depressing than why I was on medication and I had worked through my problems, so I got off the anti-depressants that create more depression.  Getting off the pills has not stopped the weight gain so I am convinced that someone is sneaking into my house at night and intravenously administering fat right into my thighs. It absolutely has nothing to do with the way that I eat and don't work out.

300 was just bound to happen this year. I turned 30 so why not just times that by ten and turn it into fat.

So this means I have my work cut out for me.  If any of you would like to strap me to your body in the morning and take me for a run I am in. The dogs may get a little jealous but they will get over it. I cannot do any type of medium to high impact working out right now so you will have to do the work. Or if I happen to owe you a pound of flesh, please, take ten (from my stomach, thighs, or butt, there will be no taking it out of my boobs, been there, done that).

Because I have dealt with this for so long I have had my fair share of people telling me that I am fat or that I need to loose weight. Of course, this is always approached "with all the love in the world." Some of these instances have been quite tactful, others have kind of missed the mark. My favorite one was this last birthday. I was at work. Everyone gets a cake for their birthday. It's just something that they do. We sing. Someone blows out candles. Then everyone gets a piece of the cake. So this year I get called to the front desk and they surprise me by singing and I look over and see a pile of fruit with one lone cake pop sticking out of the top. The pile of fruit is covered in candles and enflamed. Gracefully I blow out my candles and laugh. My boss then announces to everyone that she didn't want to get me a cake because I'm trying to loose weight and, "this time you're really going to do it!" I proceeded to grab the cake pop and shove it in my face.

This is the type of unwelcome statement that an overweight person does not want to hear. I once found a book called "People Who Deserve It: Socially Responsible Reasons to Punch Someone in the Face." This whole senario should definitely be in there.

I truly believe that there are people out there who genuinely want to help you out. To these people, use a code word so your friend won't get pissed. My code word is blarfengar. If you want to show your concern for my weight, you must preface it with blarfengar. That way I know that it is coming from your heart and I should ignore the feeling that I get to punch you in the face.

I need to go hide from my sister now who is somewhere with a fancy gun.

Suck it.

Alfred H. Cock

So the other day I was getting ready to have a good night's rest. I climbed in bed and pulled back the sheets. All of the sudden a little scurrying creature ran under a pillow. Such things require me to change my pants. I got up the courage to lift up the pillow and when I did a smallish gekko ran from the pillow to under the bed. In my mind I think, sweet, gekko, the dogs will get it then lick me feverishly with their lizard breath, but no harm, so I went to bed. Any type of bug would have had me staying at a friend's house.
The next morning I wake up and shower. I am enjoying my refreshing wash and I turn around toward the spout. I scream a little and realize after squinting a little (no contacts in the shower) that my little friend is back again. Awesome. Still no harm, all is well.
Yesterday I am showering again and after the shower my gekko comes back again. I had to get a picture because now I am obsessed with blogging. I didn't want the gekko to disappear again, so I ran to get my camera. Wet and naked. (these are reasons I live alone).  So here he is.

He needed a name, so I thought hey, Alfred Hitchcock likes shower scenes, so does the lizard.  So Alfred it is. Later that day I was discussing him with a friend and decided Alfred H. Cock was much more appropriate.

Dinner tonight was a little project. I had found a seasoning mix for lettuce wraps. Lettuce wraps have always been a great thing so I thought hey let's do it. The seasoning mix is from Sun-Bird. I made the mix as directed from the packaging. It was good, but here is how I would change it next time.
The recipe calls to saute the chicken marinade mixture on high for 1 min. I would suggest starting with the mixture on medium heat and cooking it with the lid on for 5-8 minutes, until the chicken is no longer pink. This will allow your chicken to remain very moist instead of cooking it all out at the beginning. Then add some oil and saute it on high to add a little crisp to the outside of the chicken and some beautiful color.
I served just with soy sauce. This wasn't enough punch for me. I would definitely go for the soy sauce, hot chili sauce and Chinese hot mustard to add some amazing kick.
I wrapped the mixture in Romaine lettuce. You can use any, but I love that you can fold it like a taco instead of trying to bunch it up in some other kind of lettuce and loosing the mixture and creating a hot mess while trying to stuff in it your mouth as quick as possible.

This recipe makes an insane amount of food. If you are just by your lonesome, freeze part of it or take it into work and let them have at it. Enjoy.

Suck it.

Yesterday I finally went to the foot doctor. Yea, nothing broken but my sense of style. Turns out I have Planar Facetious and Achilles Tendonitis in both feet! This may sound completely entertaining, but I also get to wear these amazing cast-like moon boots every night to bed. Bringing back the 80s! Can I get a woot woot?

It seems as though every time I start to get a hold on life in general that God just looks down on me and says, "ha." I have been discussing this with my good friends. It seems like I am not the only one that He does this to. Although this is a slap in the face, I have to look at the great things that have come to my life. Over the past 3 years I have come through the most excruciating pain I have ever felt.  Loads of pain. But, I am alive, which is a pretty good start. I want to be alive, which is pretty amazing too.

I love living in Arizona. Though the summers are slightly unbearable and feel as if you are going to be cooked from the heat on the asphalt, the storms here are sick. We are experiencing one right now. What is really awesome is when it is hot out and it starts to rain. The rain will hit the ground and then evaporate before more rain can kit the ground. There are no puddles being created, but it is raining. Kind of blows your mind a little.

I have always seen rain and storms as something cleansing. Washing away the filth and the daily crap (especially the literal crap that my puppies like to leave at my back door. Bad dog!).  So go ahead rain, cleanse. Cleanse it all. Make me feel great so God can send another "ha."

Food tip of the day: Dinner was nachos and cheese.
1. Tostitos chips on a plate.
2. Tostitos Salsa con Queso on the chips
3. Microwave those amazing things for 45 seconds.
4. Top with Wholly Salsa
5. Enjoy!

Suck it.

Blogger 101

So, this is my first posting. I feel like there is so much pressure for a first post, so, here it goes. My very good friend Marilyn decided that my life needed to be blogged. We spent about an hour making things perfect and all I can say is save often.

The thoughts behind this blog was to exploit my cooking skills which are few, but when they come out they are incredible (toot toot). Tonight I got this amazing idea to make Caprese Naan. Right? Your mouth is watering right now. Here is how you do it.

1. Take some Naan (normal Naan, not the funny flavors) brush it with olive oil and heat it up in the oven for a few minutes at 400 degrees.

2. Slice some tomatoes and put them on the Naan.

3. Slice some fresh mozzarella and put that on top of the tomatoes.

4. Sprinkle some Kosher salt on that.

5. Now top it with basil.

6. Drizzle it with olive oil and Balsamic vinegar.

7. Now you put it in the oven on broil for just a few minutes until the cheese starts to melt.

8. Devour that.

9. Be proud of yourself for spending about 10 minutes on dinner. Buy yourself something pretty.

So, there you go. I cannot guarantee how many things I will cook because let's be honest, I cook about once a week. I will probably write about life in general too. I am a 30 year old single Mormon with two Yorkies that I pretend are my children. Their names are Philly Steak and Cheese and Harry Old Man, or Phil and Harold for short.

Marilyn is now creating a list of things that I should cook and the list is getting longer so I going to go now.

Suck it.